Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
