I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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