Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
