I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
