I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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