atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Randomize
