I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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