he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
