im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
