So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
