I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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