I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
