After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
