Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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