Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
