By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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