Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
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