My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
