Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
She's the barista slut.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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