Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
