I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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