There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
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