she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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