Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
