My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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