now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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