So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i will never coherently bang her
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
