They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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