I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
