Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
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