What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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