Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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