"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
