I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
