Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
