Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
