I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
