My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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