we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Did I show you my penis last night?
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
