I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
