She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
