i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize