I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
