chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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