fuck your aforementioned shoe
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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