her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
