He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
porn star boner night. come get it.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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