I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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