Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
