I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Randomize
