I think i peed on brittanys purse
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
