the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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