The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
