I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
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