Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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