U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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