i wish peter jackson would direct porn
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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