my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
