I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
